Sunday, January 4, 2015

HAVING A HARD TIME

I am having a harder time than I thought I would with my friend's death.  I have found myself crying at the weirdest times.  Driving in my car, in the shower, in my sleep. 

Part of what I could not write about previously is that my friend Natalie didn't just pass away; she committed suicide.  This loss has been very hard for me to process. 

When someone dies of a long illness, if you are lucky you have a chance to say goodbye and process their passing.  When someone is very old you know it is inevitable that they will pass away some day.  But when someone dies suddenly there is no way to get ready for that news.  When someone commits suicide there is so much stuff that goes along with it: anger, guilt, sadness, the feeling like you could have done something, a feeling that you didn't do enough. 

Last night I had a dream with Natalie in it where we were sitting around talking, then she was gone and I was crying.  I wasn't sure if I was asleep or awake but when I opened my eyes they were wet.  The dream was so real.  I would have sworn it was real.  It didn't make me feel better; it made me sad.  

Intellectually I know time will make it better but right now it hurts and I am sad.

Until tomorrow...

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